Bollywood Goes Oral

29Aug10

We, here in Bollywood, have always had a curious tradition. We like to say one thing in our films, while meaning something completely different. This tradition has, of course, seeped through our songs as well. Lyricists often use subtle metaphors and rosy references to imply the song’s true essence, which often remains elusive. Also, look how official and polite this blog entry sounds. This is because I’m using formal words to camouflage the fact that it is actually about Bollywood songs that refer to oral sex.

Makhna: Three Bollywood greats, each in their own right, come together for a song. Amitabh Bachchan, Govinda and Madhuri. And what do they sing and dance about? See for yourself:

Mere ‘pyar ka ras’ zara chakhna, Oye Makhna! Oye Makhna!

Tere ‘pyar ka ras’ nahin chakhna, Oye Makhna! Oye Makhna!

Namak: One of the best dance songs ever – written by Gulzar, composed by Vishal Bhardwaj, sung by Rekha and performed by a hot but uncoordinated Bips- seems to be talking about the price we have to pay for love, and how we become indebted to our lovers. What she’s actually saying is this:

Aisi ‘phoonk’ lagi zaalim ki, ‘bansuri’ jaisi baaji main…

Zabaan pe laaga, laaga re, ‘namak’ issk ka.

Paan Khaye Saiyyan: This classic from Teesri Kasam has my favorite goddess Waheeda dancing innocently on stage while an asexual chubby Raj Kapoor looks on. The lyrics:

‘Paan’ khaye saiyyan hamaro, savli sooratiya honth laal laal

Hai hai malmal ka kurta, malmal ke kurte pe cheenth laal laal.

Hoth Rasiley: This one doesn’t pretend to be a clean, deep song. But it’s still embarrassing to see two middle-aged men (Nana Patekar and Anil Kapoor) begging a sexy stretch-marked woman (Malaika Arora Khan) with words such as these:

Hoth rasiley, tere hoth rasiley,

Dil kehta hai mera yeh ‘ras pee le’.

Makhan Malai Hoon: Now this song is a Shilpa Shetty number from a film called Garv. You’d think I must have done some research in this area to come up with such random songs- but actually, I happen to have all these songs in my itunes. Now you know why:

‘Makhan malai hoon’, Dilli se aayi hoon,

Chakhna bhi layi hoon, ‘chakh le’ re saiyyan.

Tu Gandi Achhi Lagti Hai: I can’t find a single other person who likes this song from Love Sex aur Dhokha. I don’t understand why! It’s so good! With or without the reference to oral sex:

Tu gandi achhi lagti hai, Tu bandi achhi lagti hai,

Tu ‘kali se kachchi’, Tu ‘tali si machchi’ lagti hai,

Main saat janam upvasa hoon, aur saat samundar pyaasa hoon,

Jee bhar ke ‘tujhko pee loonga’!

Tandoori Nights: Enough said.

Let me know if you can think of some more of these! They’re out there. Keep your ears and minds open!

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